


When You Walk Through The Fire (You Will Not Be Burned)

by Alohoemora



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky Barnes confesses, Bucky Barnes in Bucharest, Bucky trusts Steve, Catholic Character, Confessions, Don't Examine This Too Closely, Guilt, Holy crap - Freeform, I remember all of them, I'm back, I'm trying here, Laying low, Long One Shot, Memories, Other, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Pre-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Priests, Quote: I'm with you 'til the end of the line, SORRY I'VE BEEN GONE, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-15
Updated: 2017-12-15
Packaged: 2019-02-14 09:44:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13005075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alohoemora/pseuds/Alohoemora
Summary: While laying low in Bucharest, Bucky goes to a church and does confession.





	When You Walk Through The Fire (You Will Not Be Burned)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Royal_Ermine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Royal_Ermine/gifts).



_**A/N: For some time, I've pictured Bucky after all he went through as the Winter Soldier, I wanna see him go to confession. Now me myself, I'm not religious, but I guess now I'm having doubts and want forgiveness. With me an the big guy up there, to me, it's "I'm not mad at you, I'm just disappointed in you."** _

_**But I hope to resolve that someday. I've never done confession in a church before, I wonder what it's like. That being said, please forgive my lack of most knowledge when it comes to confessions or most practices with certain religions.**_

_**Think of this maybe a few months or so before Bucky gets flushed out by Zemo, the little maggot. And when he's talking to the Priest, it'll be in Romanian, but I sadly don't know Romanian, so pretend like they're speaking it, and if you would like to translate it, it's fine with me :). And I know Bucky hardly talks, but just go with it.**_

 

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Bucharest was finally starting to warm up a little. It was still late in the Spring, but it wasn't too bad. Bucky forced himself to go out, going to his favorite local market to get a few things, especially Plums. He's come to like them very much, especially when he was told they can improve memory. Memory is a very hazy subject for him.

Ever since he dragged his last target from the lake in DC, he's become desperate to remember. He's starting to remember more, he writes his memories down, and has made sure he doesn't forget that man. He was there to kill him, but his target was so sure he could help him, he even gave him a _name._ A possible, human name, and not the Winter Soldier, or the Asset, but a _name. James...James Buchanan Barnes. And....Bucky? Bucky._

He made sure to be careful while he was out, he was _in hiding,_ after all. After making sure his home was locked up tight, he left, cash safely tucked in his jacket pocket. While he was walking, he stopped. He didn't know why he stopped, but he did, and he was compelled to look over. When he did, he saw what appeared to be a church down the road. He blinked and was about to keep heading to the market, but his feet guided him down the way, to the church. 

The building looked a little older, and the structure was beautiful. The brunette stopped at the foot of the stairs to look up and admire it before going up. He carefully opened the door with his left hand the hand that's done nothing but kill and destroy. It creaked open and when he stepped inside, the inside was just as beautiful as the outside. 

He was the only one there. The quiet was nice, but somewhat close to unsettling. His eyes trailed up the high ceiling, saw all the colors of the stained glass, and the stories and saints that they formed. Dozens of candles were lit around the front, and he almost wanted to go down the long aisle to them, hand trailing the wood of every pew along one side as he'd go. It was peaceful.

He didn't know why, but he took off his cap and sat in the very last pew, but stayed on the end. He sat there with his cap in his hand, and began to worry if this was a mistake. He has to stay hidden, he shouldn't take his hat off and let others see his face. But it just felt... _Wrong_ having it on in a place like this. He quickly looked around for any visible cameras, and saw none. But there could be hidden ones.

He quickly put his cap back on and stood up when a voice said "Hello." In Romanian. Romanian wasn't one of the languages he was taught during his time with _HYDRA_ , but since he picked here, he's had to learn. He's getting better at it, but isn't completely fluent.

He stopped and looked over, seeing an older man, a Priest, smiling warmly at him. From this distance he fell a few inches shorter than him, and didn't look at all like a threat, but the brunette kept his guard up. He quickly looked down and swallowed, hoping he didn't see enough of his face. He said "Hello" switching to Romanian, his voice gruff from decades of disuse. He stuffed his hands in his jacket pockets and stepped out of the pew.

The man took a step forward and asked "How are you this afternoon?"

The brunette nodded once and said "Fine. I was just leaving, sorry to bother you-"

The man laughed and said "Nonsense, this house is open to all, always."

The brunette look down at his feet and the red carpet on the floor, before asking "Even to someone like me?" Taking his hands out of his pockets, fists clenched.

The Priest said "Of course, my son. Why do you look and stand so guarded? I am no threat, I promise you."

Bucky closed his eyes, squeezing them shut before letting his fists Posen just a little. He opened his eyes again and risked a slight glance up over at him, and saw he was still smiling. The brunette said "Don't trust anyone.." Anyone, except the man, his last target. _Steve._ He read about him in a museum before he left.

aid "My name is Father Dalca."

"Bucky." 

"Well it's nice to meet you, Mr. Bucky. I see you are not from around here? American?"

The brunette shifted awkwardly onto his other foot and said "Yeah. I think so."

He looked up at Father Dalca again and saw him nod. "I see. I've been to america, but my heart and family belong here. Are you travelling?"

Bucky said "You could say that." Before looking back down.

"I see. Would you like me to switch to English?"

The brunette shook his head and said "This is fine. I need the practice."

Father Dalca nodded again and said "That's fine, that's a good thing. Would you like to sit?"

He wanted to leave. He should leave, it was a mistake coming in here, he made a rule not to interact with anyone for too long to risk exposure. He looked over at the doors, so close, but then he turned and said "Yeah, sure." Before sitting back down in the pew.

He looked up at him and saw he was looking at his cap, a slight frown forming on his face. He quickly went to take it off, asking "Sorry, I'll just-"

The older man put his hand up and shook his head. "Don't worry about it. Normally I do advise against wearing hats in any house of God, but...I can tell that is something you really would not like to do, and I won't stop you. Keep it on, it's alright."

The brunette nodded and looked down at his hands on his lap. Father Dalca asked "What troubles you, my son? I can see trouble on you a mile away."

Bucky's eyes quickly snapped up to his, a shot of anger flowing through him before spitting out "You don't know a thing about me." Gritting his teeth.

The older man put his hands up in defense and said "Easy, Son. I did not mean to offend you. I've seen many people in my life time, and I know a man who doesn't want to be seen, when I see one. Forgive my insensitivity."

The brunettes expression softened and he swallowed, softly saying "It's fine...Sorry.."

The older man nodded and said "It's alright. I'm here to help with whatever troubles anyone, I don't hold the ultimate judgement over anyone."

That made Bucky swallow and he fixed his gaze on the pictures on the stained glass. He felt very uneasy being out in the open like this and he said "I...I feel exposed...Is there somewhere we can-"

"We've got confessional booths over there. We can just sit and talk, or...If you'd like to make a confession." He said, pointing over to the booths. The brunette looked over to where he was pointing and nodded.

He stood up and followed him over and watched the older man disappear into the middle side, and he hesitated before opening the door next to it, stepping in. He pulled the door closed and sat down, suddenly feeling claustrophobic. But he just breathed in and breathed out and a window was suddenly opened next to him. He jumped but it was just Father Dalca.

"Would you like to confess, my son?"

The brunette nodded and the uneasy feeling came back and he said "I don't...I don't know how to-"

"Just follow me" he watched as the Priest made a cross with his hand and said "Do this. And say 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.'"

Bucky nodded and repeated after him. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.."

"How long has it been since your last confession?"

The brunette thought for a minute and said "I've never confessed...At least...I can't remember if I ever did..."

"That's okay. It will help, better than holding it all inside.."

The brunette nodded and said "That's all I've been doing...I feel like I'm going to explode...I've done things. So many bad things...I have so much guilt inside. I've seen nothing but darkness for so long it's reshaped me...I'm a monster..." Then he quickly looked over at him and asked "Will you go to the police if I tell you?"

The older man shook his head and said "No, I won't. What is said in here will be between me, you, and God, I promise. What sins have you committed?"

Bucky closed his eyes and took a deep breath, before exhaling, his flesh hand shaking a little. He swallowed and said "I'm a murderer...I was an assassin for a rogue Nazi organization called _HYDRA_...I...I fell off a train in the 1940's, during World War II...I thought I died. I lost my arm, and they took me...My left arm is all metal, but sometimes, it feels like it's real. They tortured me, destroyed my mind, memories, and put what they wanted inside.

They'd put me in cryo sleep whenever I'd have a new mission and put me back under when it would be finished. I've killed a lot of people...Followed orders, but...I didn't want to. They put things in my head to bring this...This _thing_ out and when it comes out, all it can do is destroy. I can't hardly remember anything about myself or who I was before, I get bits and pieces back and write them down...But one thing I will always remember, is I remember everyone I was assigned to kill. I see their faces every time I close my eyes, I can hear their pleas and their screams inside my head...All of them...I'm a monster, Father.."

He felt a tear roll down his cheek and he didn't stop it or wipe it away. He then looked over at the older man, bracing himself for the worst, but he was just sitting there, listening. He could read his expression, but it looked like he was calm and understanding. The older man then opened his mouth and said "You hold the weight of the world on your heart, young man...I could see it when I first saw you, but I didn't know exactly what it was yet...It is a miracle you've survives such an ordeal and that you continue living now."

The brunette said "I shouldn't be alive, I don't deserve to live."

The Priest asked "We all deserve life, even those who are so cruel...They like everyone else, shall be judged once they've passed..Why do you live on?"

Bucky said "A man...He was supposed to be my last target...He knows me. I was his friend before I fell. I tried to kill him, I almost did, and he was trying to get through to me..."

"And did he?"

He thought back to when he was on the helicarrier in DC, he remembers shooting him, punching him in the face over and over, screaming that he was his mission, and pulled back for the final blow. Then he said those words.

_Then finish it...Cause I'm with you till the end of the line._

The brunette nodded and said "Yeah."

The older man nodded and said "That's good...He must really care about you if he's willing to risk letting you hurt him. So he is the reason you keep going? That you are no longer with them?"

Bucky nodded again and said "Yeah, I think so...I don't wanna forget him...I trust him."

"I thought you said you didn't trust anyone?"

"I lied...Sorry...He's the only one I can trust."

"I pray that you don't forget him. He sounds like a good man...And so are you."

The brunette looked over at him and asked "What makes you say that?"

The older man chuckled and asked "Well, you didn't really want to hurt or kill those people, right?"

Bucky nodded and he continued. "And by hearing it, you didn't have a choice, did you?"

He then shook his head and Father Dalca said "Well there you go. You aren't a monster like you claim. You are a man who was broken and had no free will over his actions. You are a good man, with a broken mind and spirit, but a good man nonetheless. Whether you believe me or not, it is up to you. But I see a light in your darkness, a flickering flame, and I pray that flame never goes out..

I remember once reading this verse when I was a child... _Psalm 34:18. The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit_...That helped me keep faith. My life was never easy, but the church always gave me comfort in my times of darkness...We all have them. When I look at you, I think of two other verses.

 _Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened; and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light._ And _Revelation 21:4 God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes. There shall be no more death. Neither shall there be any more sorrow nor crying nor pain, for the former things have passed away.."_

 _Bucky sat and thought about that,_ and the Priest said "I myself am a Catholic, this is a Catholic church, but I have memorized almost every version of the written word, because I wanted to. I didn't want to see just one way, but as many ways with it as possible...As I said Mr. Bucky, I do not hold the final judgement over ones soul, I work in sales, not management. And I know I am not supposed to judge, and I'm sure I can be forgiven of that. But what I see and feel when I look at you...I see a man who has lost everything, but still has a good heart..."

Bucky just sat and kistened while he spoke. Though he may not agree with all of that, he listened. "And with your situation, I can understand that trying to keep a good heart, is very hard. We lose faith when trouble comes our way, but it is up to _us_ if we choose give up, or stand up, hold our heads high, and stay strong."

"If God or whoever really loves me...Why would he allow all the pain I was put through? Why would he just sit back and let me suffer at the hands of them?"

The older man sighed and said "It's said that God works in mysterious ways, my friend...God forsakes no one, though most wouldn't believe it. Life is never easy for anyone, but all that we endure is supposed to bring us closer to him, but most of the time, it makes us push away. I cannot begin to understand what Hell you may have gone through on your life, but you've walked through fire, and I believe God still loves you and would welcome you into his arms. Accept him into your heart, learn to forgive yourself and even your enemies, and you will be with him when the time comes."

The brunette nodded. It would be hard to do, forgiving himself and his enemies. He may be broken, but he is _here_ and they are not. He's won. He just needs to take things a step at a time in order to forgive himself. He said "Thank you, Father."

The older man nodded and said "Anytime, my friend. Take things one day at a time, it won't happen overnight. If you need anything else, you are welcome to come to me, alright?" 

The brunette nodded and said "I will...Thank you." Before getting out of the booth, and walking out. He smiled a little, and started walking to the market. If that between whole me, you, and God thing, stays that way, he just might come back. But not too often.

 

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**_A/N: Again, please forgive any errors and inconsistencies, I'm trying my best. Maybe one day I might go confess, and see if I can patch things up with the big guy. Stop living in the past, though it was a painful road to go down, that's what made me lose my faith...But I'm trying to finally get over it, the past is dead, I'm here right now, and I need to look forward and not back._**


End file.
